Ad Astra.

hey-van:

or at least, I feel almost ashamed when I admit that I am an atheist.

Not growing up on religion was probably the best thing my parents have ever done for me. It has allowed me to view the world from a whole other perspective, as if I’m on the outside looking in. The gave me the opportunity to be able to choose my own religion based off of what I preferred when I studied them.  

I remember as I grew up my father would invite me to watch religious movies with him, along with boring and long documentaries of human evolution and how humans came to be. He educated me in both religious stories and scientific documentaries.

For a long time I believed in God, but not in the way most people do today. I grew up knowing if I lived a good life and never hurt anyone or did anything terribly wrong, I would reach a salvation being able to be eternally happy with friends and family. But I shared views that contradicted the Bible itself. I believe in Pro-Choice, in equal rights for homosexuals, that you didn’t go to hell if you had sex before marriage or if you were to make any other mistake.

These days I have come to the conclusion myself that there is no God, in my eyes at least. Although I do not partake in a religion, I whole-heartedley believe that whatever religion anyone is dedicated to, is right. I believe in coexistence between religions. Whose to say that if you’re a Muslim you’re going to hell, that if you’re Buddhist you’re going to hell. Whose to say one religion is right and the other is wrong. 

I feel ashamed to tell others what I believe in religion wise. I am afraid of the judgement I will receive from my peers when I tell them I don’t go to church, that I don’t believe in God. I hate when people ask me how I can believe in coexistence when I myself don’t have a religion, I cringe at the thought of when people ask me for permission to pray for me since they think I might get offended.

I don’t believe in a religion for myself, but I do for others, if that makes any sense at all. 

This is exactly how I feel, all of it. But I’m not really ashamed as to my lack of a religion or view of a God, but rather scared that my parents, specifically my mother, would find out and react in a bitter way. My mother is beyond Catholic, and she has expressed her deep disdain for atheists in front of my face. Little does she know that I completely gave up on religion my Sophomore year.

I was never really the religious person. And no matter how hard I tried to believe in God and stay away from atheism to prevent quarrels with my family and the fear of being rejected, I ended up finding it easier to live a life without fear of some higher power who may not even exist at all, and without a religion that conflicted with my own moral beliefs and views of myself and the world. My parents reacted surprisingly okay with me telling them a long-kept secret, but it’d be a completely different thing if I told them I flat out reject God and religion in its entirety.

It’s not shame that I feel, it’s fear that I feel towards my parents.